I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
