we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
