i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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