You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
