I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
