Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
