I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
