You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
