i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
