and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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