i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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