i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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