You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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