What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
