New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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