why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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