Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
