I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
