I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
