guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
