I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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