sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
