who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
