I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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