I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
