i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
