I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
