I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
