I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
