nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
