smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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