im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
sarcasm needs its own font
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
