Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
