First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
