He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
