mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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