is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
