Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
