Do you still have your period?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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