gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
