You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
