nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
