Will you blow on my dice?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
