i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I faked an abortion last night.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
