I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
