There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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