I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
