My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
