Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
