She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
